It Is All Hopeless......

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I talk to people online allot, and the more that I do, the more helpless that I feel. The people who have the power to help fight those who can enact a change to help people like me, actually loathe me. They don't want people like me to be in their world, people they find defective, incurable, hopeless. Many people like me end up finally losing all touch with what they term to be reality, and then we end up homeless, aimlessly wandering the streets, lost, alone, loved by no one, hated by many, we become the thing that they fear, the thing that is thrown into their faces every day that makes them face the true reality of just how fragile their normal world really is, and they despise us for it. The others, they feel like they must "help us," meaning that they need to fix us, but what they do not realize, is that some things just cannot be fixed, and what we need the most is to be loved, cared about, and wanted, we need those things for who we are, not despite what we are. Instead, I am left crying, sobbing at the hopelessness of it all, because I see no real change in sight, no love, no support, no help, only loathing and hatred. I see a people who would rather myself, and people like me would just go off somewhere and die. People that would rather than chose to be courageous and break through their fears of me, my illness, and what they face by loving me, would rather that I just disappear, and it leaves me more crushed than the "monsters" who caused me to be this way to begin with.
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Sometimes life is like a journey down a gravel road filled with razor blades and broken glass, the bleeding and pain becomes more than one can handle alone, and there is no escape but to lie down and wait for the end to come, wait to finish bleeding out, allow the warmness and exhaustion to consume us and take on to whatever comes next.




Just a few thoughts.








Just_April1974
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Stress........

Feeling a little stressed?

Life getting on your nerves?

Can't stand the pressure?

Here's a new relaxation technique that might help ...

Now ... sit comfortably ...

Close your eyes halfway to dim the light.

Take a deeeeep breath ...

Are you concentrating?

Clench and unclench your fists. Feel the tension moving to your hands?

Now slowly ... pull your arms back as far as you can ...

Now ...

Whack the person next to you really hard!

Doesn't that feel better?!?

HAVE A NICE DAY!

Need I say more?

Just a few thoughts.

Just_April1974

Speaking of Insanity......

Group Manager:

Dommie_Goddess

http://groups.msn.com/2WayStreetPolitics/yourwebpage.msnw

Check it out.

Just a thought.

Just_April1974

Breaking.....

Locked inside, alone, breaking into a million pieces. Tears flow like a winter waterfall off of the side of a cliff... cold, fast, pounding the earth beneath them. Fear keeps her pressed tightly in the corner, only able to sit up because her back is supported by those two walls. Dark, dank, musky, wet, slippery, course as razors that corner is. It slices long, deep gashes into her back, yet she sits ever so still, unable to gain enough strength to move, even if it may save her life. The blood oozes slowly but steadily out of her broken body, yet she watches the cell door closely to await the return of the monster, for she knows that he will not allow her to die, nor to be free, despite all of her efforts..... so she waits.







Just_April1974

Proof Of Life....

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Just thought I would let all of you freaks, geeks, curious, caring, voyeuristic, discerning, wretched, diffident, sundry people know that I am still alive, unfortunately. I've been either having flashbacks, "flashes," anxiety attacks, nightmares when I do manage to finally get to sleep, or just crying allot... but I am still here. I haven't "self injured" since the last time that I posted about it, so I suppose that's a plus. If any of you ever hang out in PalTalk chats, you know how insane it gets in there, especially in the "Social Issues" rooms, so I hang out there allot to vent, cry... and at least be with some friends so that I don't feel completely isolated and alone, and sometimes I even offer up my opinion on what I feel are some valid points, despite my well known views of how I think that humanity is a complete disaster and we are bound to self-destruct eventually. Anyway... I just thought that I would "check-in." I'm off to PalTalk to see what's goin on.


Until next time... maybe.






Just_April1974

Do I See?

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Walking aimlessly lost through the woods, I stumble upon a young girl sitting in the middle of a clearing, her face so sweet, innocent, small lips, and tiny hands with shirt slender fingers. Her eyes rose to meet mine, and what had first been a young girl suddenly appeared to be a very old women, one older than I had ever seen before. Her eyes were the color of dark chocolate, small, slightly turned down at the edges, they showed clearly the depth of her grief. Deep lines were etched into her forehead from what looked to be decades of worry, she had dark blue lines under her eyes as if she had never slept a day in her life, shadowed lines were drawn downward from her lips from years of crying, long brown hair was streaked with wide strings of white hair as if they had been stripped of their color by some horrific sight, such small hands had fingers that were withered to the bone, as if barely covered by skin, and within her hands she held what to my horror, was a heart, a heart that looked like it had been sliced all over on the outside, and then had been laid out to dry in the desert. I gasped in disbelief as she showed it to me, I squeezed my eyes tightly closes, sure that I must be asleep and having a nightmare, when I opened them, I saw before me the little girl yet again, tears streaming down her pale face, and in her hands she held a bleeding heart, as I began to blink, it occurred to me, that the child had a hole in her chest, but in that short instance, as my eyes opened.... the girl was gone.






Just_April1974

Life, Whata Trip......

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Life is like being on one hellatious roller-coaster ride, while loaded on "Shrooms," one insane trip! All you have to do is go into ... www.paltalk.com into the "Social Issues And Politics" section of Pal and you will soon find out just how severely insane this world has become, hell... it makes me feel nearly "normal" in the midst of many of them! *Laughs* On the other hand, the others I see make me feel like a complete freak, usually my perception of myself, and not theirs. As always, just trying to take life one day at a time, sometimes i'm coping with just one second at a time, bet hey, we've all been there at one point or another! I hope all are well, if you aren't... know that there are people who do care, despite how alone we may feel.


Just a few thoughts.




Just_April1974

What Mental Torture Causes........

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The pain has to be released somehow, or we begin to feel like we are trapped where it happened. Imagine having a car accident and being critically injured; now imagine having to go through it 2, or 3, or maybe up to 12 times a day, every single day, and then when you can manage to sleep, you have nightmares about it. Now imagine living like that, with that real physical and mental pain, for decades. That is what it is like for some of us.

Just more babble.

Just..... Me (