I have been what is known as a "Cutter," or a "Self Injurer" since I was about 13 years old. I have had PTSD, (post traumatic stress disorder) since I was 12 years old. SI (self injury) comes and goes throughout life, some times are better than others, but when it is bad, it is really bad. The flashbacks that I have are as real to me as the present is for me, and most others. I feel when the two people raped me, I can literally feel them shoving themselves inside of me. I can feel the burning, the sensation of ripping inside. I can feel him sinking his teeth into me. I feel the pain when the woman shoved the bottle inside of my anus so hard that I vomited. It all hurts just as bad when I flashback, (if not more so, because I had a sort of... Out-of-body experience, they say happens as a sort of survival mechanism) as it did the night that it happened, even when he choked me, I still come out of it with a sore throat, gasping for air sometimes. It is THAT real! Thoughts of death and suicide are in my mind constantly, and so far, everything that I and others have tried, has failed to make things much better. I went through three years of weekly therapy, and have ended up on medication as a means of trying to survive. I DO NOT, despite some people views, or misinformation, like... nor do I WANT to be like this, I simply am. I try to take each day one at a time, sometimes minute by minute, laugh as much as I can, and cope as well as I can, that is the way life is for most people, it just isn't quite as simple for some as it seems to be for others.
Just my thoughts.
--Just.... me
Posts
{{~Vox~}}
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say... but thank you, and that I love you my dear friend. The journey is different for each of us, all we can do is walk, run, or even crawl our way along it the best that we can, some days are better than others, but i've learned that even the worst of them carry a lesson. I've also learned, that the most important thing in life is not the quantity of it that you retain, but the quality of it, again, it is better some some than others, but I believe that each of us will know the answers to the questions we seek out through our lives, all of them. As always, my thoughts and love are with you.
--April.