Well, it's still much harder to write this all out than I had thought that it would be. As I was saying yesterday, before I was forced to take a break......
I still have many blank spots (also known as missing time) from that night, things that don't make sense in my mind, so I know that I have to be missing time. I remember clearly when I came to realise that there were really things that happened in life, that were far worse than death, and this was one of them.
I know know that they held me for at least three hours. After the women orgasmed, she bent over and bit my left breast so hard that it bled, then smiled at me and told me she wanted to leave me with something to remember her by. Brian seemed to think that was funny. He reached into a bag and pulled out a round metal thing and put it around his penis, she began sucking his penis right next to me. Brain looked at me and told me to learn to be a decent whore, that I sucked at it and needed lessons. When it got hard, he put his fingers in me and started telling me to tell him that I loved him, when I did't, he started shoving himself inside of me so hard that he was grunting, he just kept telling me to say it, say it cunt, say it user, tell me that you love me. I couldn't have told him even if I had wanted to, it hurt so bad it was hard for me to even breathe. He eventually got mad and got up and grabbed his pants, I thought that maybe he was leaving. He didn't. He came back with his belt and started choking me, telling me he was sick of me, that I was going to die. I was just so relieved that it was going to end. It had reached a point that I didn't care how, I just needed it to stop. When he realized that I wasn't fighting him, he stopped, got up and kicked me repeatedly in my hipe and told me I didn't deserve to get away with my shallow behavior so easily, that I was going to suffer more than I could ever imagine until I begged him to kill me. For what seemed like an eternity, they just kept torturing me over and over. Brian started hitting me with his belt and telling me that I needed whipped like the dog that I was. That I didn't act any better than a stupid animal, that a dog was more loyal than I was. He got down on his knees, pushed me onto my stomach, then he pulled me up to him like i was a rag, I was so weak that I couldn't even hold myself up anymore. He shoved himself inside of my anus and started pushing me back and forth, my chest and face was sliding back and forth in the dirt and all I could do was close my eyes to try and keep the dirt out. The last thing I remember was what looked light thousands of little pinpoint sized lights, and then it was like blackness just swallowed me. I passed out. When I woke up I was shaking all over, mud was stuck all over me, and I was freezing cold. At first, I just laid there, thinking that I would die pretty soon and it would be all over, then I tried to turn on my side and a pain shot through my stomach that hurt so bad I started dry heaving my guts out. It occured to me that they might have just gone to the car and they might be coming back right then. I started pulling my hands away from the tree, trying to get them out of the rope. I didn;t think I was going to be able to get out because my hands were so numb that I couldn't feel them. When I finally got one out the other one came right with it. All that I could think was that I had to get away. I tried to find my clothes, but all I could find was my shirt that he had cut in half, I put it on and held it together and just started running as fast as I could. I ran and ran until I realized that I was at Brians brother's house. I started beating on the door as hard as I could. Chris opened the door and I felt into him. When I woke up Chris was laying me down on the couch into Beth's lap, his wife. He went over to the phone and I flipped out. I told him, and I meant it, that if he called anyone that I would kill myself.
See, my parents had been drug addicts for my entire life, and to say that I had a disfunctional family is putting it mildly. My dad always worked, so we had the material stuff that we needed, but the only real emotion that anyone showed in my house was anger. Tears were ignored. There were no hugs, no saying anything about love, no trust, no closeness. We didn;t discuss anything of any substance ever in my family. And there was no way in hell that I was going to listen to my dad tell me how I deserved all of this because I had snuck out of the house. No way in hell that I was going to give him the chance to rub this in my face forever, no way I was going to have him look at me like I was a whore, I would have rather died.
Chris started pacing the floor and asking me why? asking me if I knew how badly hurt that I was. He kept wanting to know who did this, over and over and over. The whole time Beth was sobbing and rubbing my face with the rag. Finally all I could do is scream that it was Brian, that his brother had done it. I had never seen a man cry before. And he just fell to his knees and started crying. I was so shocked that I couldn't think of anything to say. When my dad found out that his cousin had molested me when I was four, he didn't even shed a tear, it was never even talked about ever again. Then he started saying... oh my God, oh my God, i'm so so sorry, oh my God. He came over and gave me a hug and told me to please bealieve that if he'd had any idea that Brian could do anything like that, he'd have never let him near me. I will still in shock, I actually couldn't believe that he believed me. I'd expected him to get mad at me, to call me a liar, to kick me out even, but he didn't. He carried me to the bathroom and Beth helped me get into the tub, she had to wash me because I was covered in dirt and bloody mud. I had stuff all tangled in my hair, and I was in more pain than I though ewas possible.
To make a long long story shorter, and because I can't get into detail much more about this. Brian came back to the house when I was there, and Chris went out and started beating him all over the yard. He was beating his head into his car and yelling at him how he was a dead man. I can't deny that I was relieved, even happy that he was getting the fuck beat out of him, but Beth started crying, saying he was gonna kill him, and then he would go to prison for the rest of his life. I had to make him stop, as much as I wanted him to beat the life right out of Brian, I had to. They had a newborn baby together, and I couldn't let him do it. *Sighs* In the spirit of keeping this shorter, Chris made Brian leave the state, told him he would disappear off of the planet if he didn't, and I have never seen him since, not that I am sure of anyway. Despite my hopes of death, I bled for almost a week, but never got my wish. Now I have severe chronic PTSD. (post traumatic stress disorder) I have flashbacks every day/night as real as that night was. I feel everything, smell his cologne, feel the blood seeping out between my legs, etc., and it is like a living hell that I can't seem to escape from no matter how hard that I try. It sucks big time. Needless to say, after many years of self analysis, more flashbacks than I can count, weekly therapy for nearly three years, and many more traumatic events, I finally began to unravel how that even structured many of the fears that I hold, including many years of being terrorified of any women touching me that may in any way be sexually attracted to me. It seems like I will never get any better, so I just try to survive each day as I can and wait to see what will happen.
Just my memories.
I can smell the whiskey on his breath when it blows across my face, the edge of the knife against my throat as he tells me that if I scream, he will gut me and fuck my dead body anyway. He is so much bigger than me, dragging me down the gravel road next to the canal like i'm a sack of potatoes. I am 12 years old, he is 17. I am only 5 foot 2 inches tall, he is 6 foot 4 inches tall. I weigh only 113 pounds, he weighs over 210 pounds. He has been my best friend for almost a year, hearing my most intimate secrets, holding me as I sob, getting me home safe when I was too drunk and stoned to walk by myself, always there for me when I needed him, always so gentle with me, always so kind. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the same man that I know so well, that he is so angry with me, so venomous. He walks me off of the road, far back into the almond orchard, I can see the shadow of what we call "the burn pile," where people come from other towns to party so that the cops don't give them a bunch of shit. He pushes me down on the ground and ties my hands over my head to the tree. I hear a car coming, try to scream, he soves his hand over it so hard it felt like he was shoving me head right into the ground. I thought that he was going to break my jaw. He hits me in the stomach and tells me to keep my mouth shut, or else. He has the knife, he slides it close to my neck, just looking it, then slices the collar of my shirt and rips it open, then he slices the waist in two places, then the legs and rips my pants off of me so hard that it burned my waist. I was crying, shaking all over. He cut my bra open and ran the knife under my breast, he smiled and reached down and bit my nipple, I began to scream and he covered my mouth and stuck his tongue so deep down my throat that I almost threw up. I could hear the sounds of the leaves blowing through the orchard, footsteps coming closer, but he never stopped. He cut my pantis off and stuck his finger inside of me, then he put it in his mouth and smiled. He called me a back stabber, told me that I had betrayed him, that I had abondoned him when he had needed me the most, and for that, I was going to get what I deserved. I was crying, begging him to please stop, but the more that I told him that I was sorry, that I would do anything that he wanted, that I never meant to hurt him, the madder that he seemed to get, and he got up and started kicking my legs, telling me to shut up, to just shut the fuck up, that I was such a lying whore, a typical using women, a fucking leech. All I could do is shake my head no, I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't speak. I just couldn't believe that this was happening, and of all people that it was him doing it. I trusted him with my life, with secrets that I had never told anyone. I was so very wrong, so naive. **Taking a break**
He took his clothes off and stood there in front of me, not smiling, not talking, just watching me while I cried. There was someone behind me that I couldn't see. He got down on his knees and in one movement he flipped me around to where I was facing the ground, he shoved it into me so hard that I vomitted. It felt like someone was shoving a burning hot knife inside of my vagina, it hurt more than anything I had ever experienced in my life. He was shoving his penis so hard into me that I had to put my hands over my head to keep it from banging into the tree, all I could do is cry. The whole time he kept telling me how I deserved it, how much he had just wanted to show me what it was like to be loved, but that I had hurt him, abondoned him, how this was all my fault. The more that he said, the harder that he pushed inside of me. I could feel something hot coming out of me, it was so cold that it make me shiver all over, I assumed this it was blood. He pulled at my breast as he kept punding harder and pinched me, he started hitting me on my back and butt, punching my butt until it cramped. Finally he made groaning sounds and dropped me onto the ground. All I could keep thinking is that I wanted to die, anything to make it stop. It hurt so bad that I just needed it to stop. He said to someone to do what they had talked about. A naked women walked around and stood above me, I got to my knees and begged her to help me, to please make him stop, she bent over and ran her hand through my hair, whispering for me to shhh, that it would all be ok. I layed down on my side and pulled my legs to my chest, I hurt so badly all over my body that I can't describe what it felt like. *Breathes deeply* She sat down next to me pushing me over on my back, she started sucking my breast, licking them. I puked all over myself, I couldn't stop it. She reached over into a bag and pulled out a bottle of water, she opened it up, held my nose, and poured it into my mouth until I choked, then she poured the rest all over my neck and hair and told me to be a good girl and not to be so nasty anymore or she would have to punish me. I couldn't believe it, this had to be a nightmare, it wasn't happening, it couldn't be happening, I was just dreaming, but it was happening and I couldn't make them stop. I just wanted them to stop. Brian started rubbing her back and she put her finger inside of me, rubbing around, up and down, rubbing her breast over my stomach.
To what is now my greatest shame, within a few minutes, I had what I now know to be an orgasm. Despite all that I have been told since that night, I can't help but feel so ashamed and feel like I might have deserved it, that it was my fault just like they had said that it was. That I was dirty, nasty, a whore, just like they said I was.
After I orgasmed, she straddled my pelvis and began rubbing her pelvis against mine, then she stopped. Brian shoved me over onto my stomach, I was so damn scared, and in so much pain, that I couldn't even move anymore. I layed my head on my hands and kept praying that I would just die. Then something happened that I could have never imagined. She shoved something inside of my anus and I screamed. Brian began kicking me in my side and my arm telling me to keep my fucking God damn mouth shut, because no matter what I thought, he could gut me, have me dead, and still do what he wanted to with me before anyone found me. At that point, the idea of him killing me sounded much better than this, I just didn't have the energy to want to live anymore, to keep going through this. * feel sick* She put her fingers in my vagina again and started moving them around, then she put the thing she had back inside of me, inside of my anus. I threw up again, dry heaving because I didn't have anything left in my stomach. I had already puked out all of the beer I had drank, so there was nothing left to get out of me. Then it started to get harder. I realized that Brian was behind her, he was having sex with her while she shoved this thing into my butt.
I have allot of missing time, things that I can't remember, I guess it was maybe times that I passed out, I just don't know. *i'm sorry, can't go on right now. i just cant*
I will try to explain the rest when I can. I'm sorry.
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