Reliving Reality...

I can smell the whiskey on his breath when it blows across my face, the edge of the knife against my throat as he tells me that if I scream, he will gut me and fuck my dead body anyway. He is so much bigger than me, dragging me down the gravel road next to the canal like i'm a sack of potatoes. I am 12 years old, he is 17. I am only 5 foot 2 inches tall, he is 6 foot 4 inches tall. I weigh only 113 pounds, he weighs over 210 pounds. He has been my best friend for almost a year, hearing my most intimate secrets, holding me as I sob, getting me home safe when I was too drunk and stoned to walk by myself, always there for me when I needed him, always so gentle with me, always so kind. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the same man that I know so well, that he is so angry with me, so venomous. He walks me off of the road, far back into the almond orchard, I can see the shadow of what we call "the burn pile," where people come from other towns to party so that the cops don't give them a bunch of shit. He pushes me down on the ground and ties my hands over my head to the tree. I hear a car coming, try to scream, he soves his hand over it so hard it felt like he was shoving me head right into the ground. I thought that he was going to break my jaw. He hits me in the stomach and tells me to keep my mouth shut, or else. He has the knife, he slides it close to my neck, just looking it, then slices the collar of my shirt and rips it open, then he slices the waist in two places, then the legs and rips my pants off of me so hard that it burned my waist. I was crying, shaking all over. He cut my bra open and ran the knife under my breast, he smiled and reached down and bit my nipple, I began to scream and he covered my mouth and stuck his tongue so deep down my throat that I almost threw up. I could hear the sounds of the leaves blowing through the orchard, footsteps coming closer, but he never stopped. He cut my pantis off and stuck his finger inside of me, then he put it in his mouth and smiled. He called me a back stabber, told me that I had betrayed him, that I had abondoned him when he had needed me the most, and for that, I was going to get what I deserved. I was crying, begging him to please stop, but the more that I told him that I was sorry, that I would do anything that he wanted, that I never meant to hurt him, the madder that he seemed to get, and he got up and started kicking my legs, telling me to shut up, to just shut the fuck up, that I was such a lying whore, a typical using women, a fucking leech. All I could do is shake my head no, I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't speak. I just couldn't believe that this was happening, and of all people that it was him doing it. I trusted him with my life, with secrets that I had never told anyone. I was so very wrong, so naive. **Taking a break**

He took his clothes off and stood there in front of me, not smiling, not talking, just watching me while I cried. There was someone behind me that I couldn't see. He got down on his knees and in one movement he flipped me around to where I was facing the ground, he shoved it into me so hard that I vomitted. It felt like someone was shoving a burning hot knife inside of my vagina, it hurt more than anything I had ever experienced in my life. He was shoving his penis so hard into me that I had to put my hands over my head to keep it from banging into the tree, all I could do is cry. The whole time he kept telling me how I deserved it, how much he had just wanted to show me what it was like to be loved, but that I had hurt him, abondoned him, how this was all my fault. The more that he said, the harder that he pushed inside of me. I could feel something hot coming out of me, it was so cold that it make me shiver all over, I assumed this it was blood. He pulled at my breast as he kept punding harder and pinched me, he started hitting me on my back and butt, punching my butt until it cramped. Finally he made groaning sounds and dropped me onto the ground. All I could keep thinking is that I wanted to die, anything to make it stop. It hurt so bad that I just needed it to stop. He said to someone to do what they had talked about. A naked women walked around and stood above me, I got to my knees and begged her to help me, to please make him stop, she bent over and ran her hand through my hair, whispering for me to shhh, that it would all be ok. I layed down on my side and pulled my legs to my chest, I hurt so badly all over my body that I can't describe what it felt like. *Breathes deeply* She sat down next to me pushing me over on my back, she started sucking my breast, licking them. I puked all over myself, I couldn't stop it. She reached over into a bag and pulled out a bottle of water, she opened it up, held my nose, and poured it into my mouth until I choked, then she poured the rest all over my neck and hair and told me to be a good girl and not to be so nasty anymore or she would have to punish me. I couldn't believe it, this had to be a nightmare, it wasn't happening, it couldn't be happening, I was just dreaming, but it was happening and I couldn't make them stop. I just wanted them to stop. Brian started rubbing her back and she put her finger inside of me, rubbing around, up and down, rubbing her breast over my stomach.

To what is now my greatest shame, within a few minutes, I had what I now know to be an orgasm. Despite all that I have been told since that night, I can't help but feel so ashamed and feel like I might have deserved it, that it was my fault just like they had said that it was. That I was dirty, nasty, a whore, just like they said I was.

After I orgasmed, she straddled my pelvis and began rubbing her pelvis against mine, then she stopped. Brian shoved me over onto my stomach, I was so damn scared, and in so much pain, that I couldn't even move anymore. I layed my head on my hands and kept praying that I would just die. Then something happened that I could have never imagined. She shoved something inside of my anus and I screamed. Brian began kicking me in my side and my arm telling me to keep my fucking God damn mouth shut, because no matter what I thought, he could gut me, have me dead, and still do what he wanted to with me before anyone found me. At that point, the idea of him killing me sounded much better than this, I just didn't have the energy to want to live anymore, to keep going through this. * feel sick* She put her fingers in my vagina again and started moving them around, then she put the thing she had back inside of me, inside of my anus. I threw up again, dry heaving because I didn't have anything left in my stomach. I had already puked out all of the beer I had drank, so there was nothing left to get out of me. Then it started to get harder. I realized that Brian was behind her, he was having sex with her while she shoved this thing into my butt.

I have allot of missing time, things that I can't remember, I guess it was maybe times that I passed out, I just don't know. *i'm sorry, can't go on right now. i just cant*

I will try to explain the rest when I can. I'm sorry.