Exhausted

 

Nightmares are back in force. So sick of em. There is never an escape, they always come back, it's like reliving it all over and over, fuck! It's so depressing, draining, to keep fighting it when it seems so useless. I suppose that all I can do, yet again, is ride out the storm as best as I can. *sighs* I'm so tired.

*Just my Thoughts*

 

America Is Becoming A Communist Nation



A bill called HR 347, was signed into law by President Obama on March, 8th 2012. This law takes steps to further make peaceable protesting against the law. We Americans are losing our beloved country to communism. I am ashamed that I will someday leave my children to fight a horrible battle to retake their freedoms from a government that has forsaken them, and all of us, a battle that will leave this nation scarred forever.

My heart is broken, all I  can do is sob because I am powerless to do anything to change any of it. Without protest, the only line of defense we have left is offense, a civil war, and the thought of that is beyond comprehension. Where is our country going? What will the future hold for our children? I am horribly fearful of the answers. I hate life. The pain, hatred, and cruelty is far too much to bare. *smh*




*Just my Thoughts*

What Is Going To Happen....

 

My oldest daughter will be moving out very soon, which leaves only my youngest girl, (15) left living at home. With my two oldest kids gone, I find myself wondering what I have left to live for. I feel so very lost, alone. My children have always been my sole reason for living, and without them to focus on, to make the pain worthy of something, I don't know what I'll do. I'm 37 years old, disabled, and no one will hire someone like me for a job, so what do I have left? I don't know. I feel like my life has been so much in vain. I can only hope that I've given my children enough lessons so that they can have everything in life that I have never experienced. There just doesn't seem to be any hope, and I have no idea what to do. *shrugs*

*Just my thoughts*

Just Depressed......

 

Just so exhausted. I cannot fathom that in a world filled with so much overwhelming agony that people still find it fit to live in. There is so much more bad than good...because even those people who are decent turn a blind eye to the suffering of others....which makes them almost as bad as the evil, victimizing bastards who are always out hunting new prey.

Sometimes when i'm driving around, a huge truck would just run my car flat so that the pain would end... but God seems to get pleasure from our suffering.

I feel so alone. Like i'm falling into an abyss. If there is a hell, this is surely it.

 

--Just_April1974



Still Floating Around In The Shadows......

 

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Just wanted those few people who may check in here every now and again, that i'm still alive....just haven't been even close to myself for quite some time. I'll try and check in with my online peeps soon. Thinking of you all.




*Just My Thoughts*

Update

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Haven't written in awhile..... guess i've been sort of withdrawn. Always feel so exhausted, get sick of that feelin' .....if ya know what I mean. Just living day to day, trying not to have a heat stroke cause it's so damn hot here in Cali. The nightmares are as pervasive as ever, never get a break. As for the flashbacks, they seem to be in a "lull" at the moment, not having them as often as I do in the BAD times... not holding my breath as to how long this lull is going to last though. I used to think I was "getting better" when these times would come, eventually I discovered the bitter reality was that for me.... PTSD was something like the ocean, sometimes the water is mild... other times, the storm breaks out and all hell breaks loose. Oh well, I take em as I can get em, one day at a time.

I hope that this post finds any readers that I may have doing okay. Remember.... tomorrow doesn't always look exactly the same as today does....hang in there.

--April

Unholy Hell..... Life Is TOO Damn Hard.....

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Thankfully there are drugs. Yanno, there was once a time, not long ago, up until January 2001, I swore that I would never take drugs for my mental disorders, (PTSD & Depression) because of my family history of addiction.... then I was attacked at work on December 4th 2001, and it came to a point, that if I didn't try the drugs, it was unlikely that I was going to survive the PTSD. The flashbacks and anxiety attacks became so bad that I was having flashbacks more often that I was in, "reality," and I was having 10 or more anxiety attacks a day/night. After having resisted "self-harm/cutting/etc" for a long period of time, I started cutting several times a day just to help myself to know that I was really still alive, and hadn't died and gone to hell, or some such shit. When it gets that bad, sometimes it's hard to know what is real, when the flashbacks have ended, and when you are actually back in the present time, it really sucks more than simple words can describe. Then the anxiety attacks start, because you just KNOW that another flashback will come at any time, and you just feel like you are dying far slower than if you just killed yourself and got it over with. The pain is so much that it completely paralyzes your entire life, you cannot function, your life is reduced to just trying to survive from minute to minute, and when you have to live like that, death become more and more of a welcome option.... even hell seems to pale in comparison.

I've been going through, what I have termed, a "wave." Much like the ocean, sometimes the seas are only a bit choppy, but on other times, a storm kicks up and if you aren't careful, you can drown in the waves. The depression has been overwhelming, which seems to have triggered more anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and when I manage to sleep, the nightmares are horrific. Needless to say.... I hate life. But hey... sometimes, that's just how it is.

So...just in case anyone was wondering why I haven't been around too often...this is why.

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--Just_April1974

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Deeply Depressed.....

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There just aren't words to describe how much it hurts. It's just too hard. Life sucks far more than the effort that it takes to survive it.

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--April

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