Unholy Hell..... Life Is TOO Damn Hard.....

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Thankfully there are drugs. Yanno, there was once a time, not long ago, up until January 2001, I swore that I would never take drugs for my mental disorders, (PTSD & Depression) because of my family history of addiction.... then I was attacked at work on December 4th 2001, and it came to a point, that if I didn't try the drugs, it was unlikely that I was going to survive the PTSD. The flashbacks and anxiety attacks became so bad that I was having flashbacks more often that I was in, "reality," and I was having 10 or more anxiety attacks a day/night. After having resisted "self-harm/cutting/etc" for a long period of time, I started cutting several times a day just to help myself to know that I was really still alive, and hadn't died and gone to hell, or some such shit. When it gets that bad, sometimes it's hard to know what is real, when the flashbacks have ended, and when you are actually back in the present time, it really sucks more than simple words can describe. Then the anxiety attacks start, because you just KNOW that another flashback will come at any time, and you just feel like you are dying far slower than if you just killed yourself and got it over with. The pain is so much that it completely paralyzes your entire life, you cannot function, your life is reduced to just trying to survive from minute to minute, and when you have to live like that, death become more and more of a welcome option.... even hell seems to pale in comparison.

I've been going through, what I have termed, a "wave." Much like the ocean, sometimes the seas are only a bit choppy, but on other times, a storm kicks up and if you aren't careful, you can drown in the waves. The depression has been overwhelming, which seems to have triggered more anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and when I manage to sleep, the nightmares are horrific. Needless to say.... I hate life. But hey... sometimes, that's just how it is.

So...just in case anyone was wondering why I haven't been around too often...this is why.

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--Just_April1974

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