Nightmares

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The nightmares come as predictable as my heartbeats, over and over they steal my hopes and rob me of my dreams. I fight to stay awake, because even after 19 years, one can only handle so many of them before they must take a break. Often times that break comes with terrible side effects, such as an increased number of flashes and flashbacks, blackouts, lost time, extreme emotional exhaustion, bouncing from crying to laughter, SI (self injury), thoughts of suicide, prayers that God will end our lives here, confusion, feelings of hopelessness, isolation, loneliness, anger, annoyance, frustration, helplessness, and so forth. But either way, it's a damned if you do, or damned if you don't sort of predicament. It just gets exhausting, feeling decades older than your actual age, knowing that you are too damned young to feel this damned old! There is a constant desperation to find a way to at least ease the symptoms, many of us have given up hope that a cure will ever happen for us, we just need a rest, a break, some time to re-gather our strength, time which some of us never get. It always feels like I am so alone, so misunderstood, not worthy of being loved, not worthy of happiness. It makes living like this all the more difficult. My thoughts are with you always, as usual!

Until next time....

Just_April1974