It Hurts......

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Life is too hard, too much pain, too many tears,
too many nightmares, too many smothered
screams, too many heartaches, and far too
little happiness. It's a vicious, never ending
circle. I wear a fake smile, throw out fake
humor, laugh fake laughter, when inside
my hear screams out, flooded with a river
of tears that never stops flowing, when does
it end? Is there really something better?
Do other people really experience true
happiness? I do not know. I have never
experienced it. Only all too brief moments
of joy, quickly drowned by disappointment
and more pain. My soul is weary, exhausted.
I am tired of the war for survival in a world
that never seems to change, in a mind
that never feels better. *Sigh*




Just...... me.


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A Laugh A Day Keeps The Coroner Away.....

Humor is the best way to cope with life when

all else feels hopeless.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRH6tap49qw

--Just_April1974

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Broken.....

I was only 12 years old, they left me broken & bleeding on the outside, and destroyed on the inside. They punched, slapped, bit, kicked, pinched, and toyed with my body. They slashed at my soul slowly, with surgical precision and then they cut away the vital parts of it, so that it may die away a little more each night. They worked together, with eyes as black and soulless as coal, shoving fingers, a bottle, even his penis inside of me. It didn't go in willingly, my body fighting against the unwanted invasion, he forced it inside, tearing, stretching, holding my legs apart as it felt like my insides were on fire. Feeling the blood begin to drip from inside of me, losing my breath to the vomit as it rose into my throat, frantic and alone, pain gripping me like knives shredding through to my bones. I felt him ram it inside of my small body, breaking it forever..... taking away girlish fantasies of "knights in shining armor." His teeth sank into the tender flesh of my breast, while she forced her fingers into my other forbidden place. I felt the tears flooding down my face, could hear whimpers escaping my throat, but I was their prisoner, their toy, I had no chance of escaping.... his body nearly crushing me into the dirt beneath, I longed for death to envelope me and take me from this hell. Wet lips, tongues creeping over my body like snakes hidden in the fall grass, slithering along, ready to strike at it's prey, it made me shiver inside. My mind seemed to go numb as he wrapped his belt around my throat, telling me I was a whore, a betrayer of his trust, how my abandonment deserved the worst sort of punishment, but I did not struggle... instead I waited for the calm to overcome me and take me away from this nightmare, I felt it coming, it was so close I could barely hold my eyes open, I saw it coming to heal me, to free me from their torture... but then it vanished. I was coughing, gasping for air, and he was laughing at me, telling me that I didn't deserve to get away from my punishment that easily, but I heard anger in his voice because I had wanted to die, and I had been right, because he grabbed my hips, pulled me to his pelvis, and shoved himself inside of me so hard that everything around me seemed to light up from white pain, and then went all black again, and darkness took me away. Hours had felt like months, each second had seemed to be dragging, heavy, towing a heavy weight upon it, nothing seemed real, as if I had been stolen into a twisted world where everything had been slowed to such a pace that you could hear every single beat of your heart, and the wind seemed to flow by you in slow motion. I don't know how many hours it lasted, how long that they kept me prisoner in this suspended world, but I know that when I returned, nothing... including my mind and my body, were ever the same again. He had imprinted himself into my soul, is able to take me at will, to make me beg for mercy, he brings terror to me from every shadow, there is no escaping his wrath, no rest from his punishment, only waiting for the ending of it all, to be taken to the place where even he cannot reach me.... it will come... someday.

Just.......... me.

Hopelessness And Helplessness.....

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Life and reality are highly over rated. I look around and see ways in which humanity should be advanced far more than what we are, and yet, just as we have done for centuries, we are still massacring one another like animals. The things that human beings do to one another can turn even the strongest stomach inside-out, and yet... we are supposedly the superior beings on this planet; I find that hard to comprehend most of the time. The pictures I have seen of babies butchered, of little children who have been molested and tossed away like garbage, the women who are raped by supposed friends, the women who are beaten by men who claim to love them, men who beat and torture other men, people invading other peoples homes... killing entire families for a few trinkets, and the list goes on and on. I just cannot see humanity ever being worth saving. I do not see us evolving into the sort of creatures that are capable of maintaining a worth while existence. I see much more carnage, destruction, and generally horrible treatment of ourselves and this planet than I do the positive, life affirming actions that we have always been capable of, yet we seem to chose the easier, more shallow way of existing. I just do not understand the logic in it all. I don't see the light of hope for us anymore. Maybe some others still have it left within themselves to keep crawling forward for a better change. For me, I am out of strength.





--Just_April1974

Life Hurts To Much........

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All I can ever do is cry anymore. I cannot picture myself in the future. I can't see myself as 40, 50, 60 years old or more. The evolution of humanity feels so extremely negative to me that everything seems so very hopeless, people do not seem to be evolving for the good as a whole, and it is so depressing! I find it hard to comprehend why people rarely ever try to imagine what it must be like to be someone else, another race, gender, religion, or how it must feel to have a different sexual attraction that those who share the sexual "norms" that most other people share. People tend to ignore what it must be like to be apart of the many different kinds of "minorities" in this world, including the mentally ill, even though mentally ill people make up a very large percentage of people throughout the world. It makes me hate living more and more everyday. I think about what a relief it will be to end all of the pain, to make it stop, to never have to suffer the cruelty of it all ever again. To go through life every single day and night, having flashbacks, literally feeling the beating.... being choked with his belt, slapped, kicked in my side and stomach, being bitten all over my body, his teeth sinking into my breast, his "manly-hood" forcing inside of me, feeling as though my insides are being ripped apart, soul shredding agony, as if I'm a slave to being tortured repeatedly, and it's horrific! How can anyone not comprehend how the feeling of death feels so much more preferable? *Crying* Could you endure what feels like being put through that between 3 and 14 times a day/night, with NO relief, no time in between to heal a little, never ending? I live it, and I don't want to, I'm exhausted. *Crying*

Just........ Me

Anniversary Of Hell......

In a few days I will turn 32, six days after that is the anniversary of my daughter Samantha's passing, June is a very tormenting month for me. I've been having so many flashbacks that sometimes i'm not sure if I am who I am now, my age, at this time.... or if i'm that 12 year old girl, being tormented, toyed with, controlled, being used as a means for two people to use sex as a weapon to break me, forced into a world where every horror that you can imagine doesn't bring nearly the rush of terror that tears through your being and makes you feel like you have totally lost your mind and everything that you see, all of the pain that you feel, the scent of your vomit, the numbness in your hands from the ropes tied around your wrist, all freezes you into a world where you are constantly screaming at the top of your lungs in agony, the sound of it constantly echoing back into your ears........ but no one else ever hears....... the help that you need never comes, the comfort of being held, sheltered, protected, safe, being able to let go and be totally dependent so that you may heal, being loved without restraint, never comes. You often feel left in a world of utter pain, complete loneliness, and the feeling of hopelessness looming constantly in your mind.

Sometimes I sit, and I imagine myself, sitting somewhere peaceful, beautiful, relaxing. I smell pine trees, a fresh scent, the taste and feel if crispness in the air from a river nearby. I see the the sunlight flowing through the trees like beams from Heaven. I feel the pureness of water flowing through my fingers as I run them through the water in the river. Then I see myself go over and sit next to a tree, taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and feel the sun shining upon my face, so softly touching my skin. I see myself take a razor, and then I see myself cutting open my left wrist, the blood begins to pump out of my body. Then I take the razor between two of my fingers that move, having cut tendons on the left wrist... and I watch the razor slide through the flesh of my right wrist. I feel the razor slicing threw the sinew of my wrist, it somewhat stings, the sensation running down my spine, other sensations of relief lifting off of my shoulders. I watch birds flying by as I relax against the tree. I feel the blood rushing from my body, the wetness around my sides, I look around and things begin to be blurry off and on. I begin to feel so tired, I want to rest, I need to make the pain stop, take away the emptiness, the terror, the loneliness, take away the hopelessness, nothing any more.... just stop.
It is at this point sometimes, that I bruise myself... or sometimes, I have even cut myself to ease the hysterical need to make those thoughts a reality. I cry for hours sometimes, and the majority of the rest of the time, I feel like I need to cry, it is a depressing circle to be stuck in. I don't like my birthday since my daughter pass, though I know she would want me to be happy, and celebrate life, the feelings, the flashbacks, keep me trapped in a misery that I haven't yet been able to escape. I take each day and night at a time, and I try to find someone, or something to keep my mind away from focusing on the flashbacks even when I am having allot of them, but sometimes.... after days without sleep, and total exhaustion, they become so overwhelming that I become deeply depressed, it is those times I am the most afraid, but I take it a minute at a time and look for any way to get myself past the feelings, not always completely successfully. It is so hard.




Just a few..... ok, quite a few thoughts and feelings.





Just_April1974

Fear And Shame.....

I'm just so dammed depressed and disappointed with life that I cannot stand it. All I can do is cry, sob really, and it makes me sick. I feel completely ashamed with myself, like I am weak, or broken, and I need to be fixed. I don't know, I guess I'm probably just babbling. I can't stop crying, and it makes me want to scream! Oh well, life goes on........... for now.









Just..... Me.

Life Sucks.......

I hate life with a passion. Everywhere you look there are massive amounts of trauma, death, suffering, pain, starvation, disease, homelessness, destruction, etc. Families murdered in their homes, where they are supposed to be able to be safe, seven people robbed of their lives. Children murdering their parents, children held captives in cages in foster care, places they were put that were supposed to keep them safe from the bad people. People being raped, tortured, abused, the voiceless, small, vulnerable people being stomped on, the unsuspecting being hunted like animals, the poor being stomped down by the powerful,no one caring about the others, and the ones who do care can do precious little to help. FUCK!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!! It breaks my heart up into little pieces. I feel like i have millions of shards of glass imbedded into my heart, and every time it pumps, it gets torn just a little bit more!! So much hatred, chaos, and not a damn thing I can do to make a difference. I can barely manage to keep myself alive, much less make people see the massive scale to which they are destroying humanity. *sigh* This, in my opinion, is where hell exist.

Just my thoughts.

Just..... Me