Anniversary Of Hell......

In a few days I will turn 32, six days after that is the anniversary of my daughter Samantha's passing, June is a very tormenting month for me. I've been having so many flashbacks that sometimes i'm not sure if I am who I am now, my age, at this time.... or if i'm that 12 year old girl, being tormented, toyed with, controlled, being used as a means for two people to use sex as a weapon to break me, forced into a world where every horror that you can imagine doesn't bring nearly the rush of terror that tears through your being and makes you feel like you have totally lost your mind and everything that you see, all of the pain that you feel, the scent of your vomit, the numbness in your hands from the ropes tied around your wrist, all freezes you into a world where you are constantly screaming at the top of your lungs in agony, the sound of it constantly echoing back into your ears........ but no one else ever hears....... the help that you need never comes, the comfort of being held, sheltered, protected, safe, being able to let go and be totally dependent so that you may heal, being loved without restraint, never comes. You often feel left in a world of utter pain, complete loneliness, and the feeling of hopelessness looming constantly in your mind.

Sometimes I sit, and I imagine myself, sitting somewhere peaceful, beautiful, relaxing. I smell pine trees, a fresh scent, the taste and feel if crispness in the air from a river nearby. I see the the sunlight flowing through the trees like beams from Heaven. I feel the pureness of water flowing through my fingers as I run them through the water in the river. Then I see myself go over and sit next to a tree, taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and feel the sun shining upon my face, so softly touching my skin. I see myself take a razor, and then I see myself cutting open my left wrist, the blood begins to pump out of my body. Then I take the razor between two of my fingers that move, having cut tendons on the left wrist... and I watch the razor slide through the flesh of my right wrist. I feel the razor slicing threw the sinew of my wrist, it somewhat stings, the sensation running down my spine, other sensations of relief lifting off of my shoulders. I watch birds flying by as I relax against the tree. I feel the blood rushing from my body, the wetness around my sides, I look around and things begin to be blurry off and on. I begin to feel so tired, I want to rest, I need to make the pain stop, take away the emptiness, the terror, the loneliness, take away the hopelessness, nothing any more.... just stop.
It is at this point sometimes, that I bruise myself... or sometimes, I have even cut myself to ease the hysterical need to make those thoughts a reality. I cry for hours sometimes, and the majority of the rest of the time, I feel like I need to cry, it is a depressing circle to be stuck in. I don't like my birthday since my daughter pass, though I know she would want me to be happy, and celebrate life, the feelings, the flashbacks, keep me trapped in a misery that I haven't yet been able to escape. I take each day and night at a time, and I try to find someone, or something to keep my mind away from focusing on the flashbacks even when I am having allot of them, but sometimes.... after days without sleep, and total exhaustion, they become so overwhelming that I become deeply depressed, it is those times I am the most afraid, but I take it a minute at a time and look for any way to get myself past the feelings, not always completely successfully. It is so hard.




Just a few..... ok, quite a few thoughts and feelings.





Just_April1974