Reliving Reality... Part 2

Well, it's still much harder to write this all out than I had thought that it would be. As I was saying yesterday, before I was forced to take a break......

I still have many blank spots (also known as missing time) from that night, things that don't make sense in my mind, so I know that I have to be missing time. I remember clearly when I came to realise that there were really things that happened in life, that were far worse than death, and this was one of them.

I know know that they held me for at least three hours. After the women orgasmed, she bent over and bit my left breast so hard that it bled, then smiled at me and told me she wanted to leave me with something to remember her by. Brian seemed to think that was funny. He reached into a bag and pulled out a round metal thing and put it around his penis, she began sucking his penis right next to me. Brain looked at me and told me to learn to be a decent whore, that I sucked at it and needed lessons. When it got hard, he put his fingers in me and started telling me to tell him that I loved him, when I did't, he started shoving himself inside of me so hard that he was grunting, he just kept telling me to say it, say it cunt, say it user, tell me that you love me. I couldn't have told him even if I had wanted to, it hurt so bad it was hard for me to even breathe. He eventually got mad and got up and grabbed his pants, I thought that maybe he was leaving. He didn't. He came back with his belt and started choking me, telling me he was sick of me, that I was going to die. I was just so relieved that it was going to end. It had reached a point that I didn't care how, I just needed it to stop. When he realized that I wasn't fighting him, he stopped, got up and kicked me repeatedly in my hipe and told me I didn't deserve to get away with my shallow behavior so easily, that I was going to suffer more than I could ever imagine until I begged him to kill me. For what seemed like an eternity, they just kept torturing me over and over. Brian started hitting me with his belt and telling me that I needed whipped like the dog that I was. That I didn't act any better than a stupid animal, that a dog was more loyal than I was. He got down on his knees, pushed me onto my stomach, then he pulled me up to him like i was a rag, I was so weak that I couldn't even hold myself up anymore. He shoved himself inside of my anus and started pushing me back and forth, my chest and face was sliding back and forth in the dirt and all I could do was close my eyes to try and keep the dirt out. The last thing I remember was what looked light thousands of little pinpoint sized lights, and then it was like blackness just swallowed me. I passed out. When I woke up I was shaking all over, mud was stuck all over me, and I was freezing cold. At first, I just laid there, thinking that I would die pretty soon and it would be all over, then I tried to turn on my side and a pain shot through my stomach that hurt so bad I started dry heaving my guts out. It occured to me that they might have just gone to the car and they might be coming back right then. I started pulling my hands away from the tree, trying to get them out of the rope. I didn;t think I was going to be able to get out because my hands were so numb that I couldn't feel them. When I finally got one out the other one came right with it. All that I could think was that I had to get away. I tried to find my clothes, but all I could find was my shirt that he had cut in half, I put it on and held it together and just started running as fast as I could. I ran and ran until I realized that I was at Brians brother's house. I started beating on the door as hard as I could. Chris opened the door and I felt into him. When I woke up Chris was laying me down on the couch into Beth's lap, his wife. He went over to the phone and I flipped out. I told him, and I meant it, that if he called anyone that I would kill myself.

See, my parents had been drug addicts for my entire life, and to say that I had a disfunctional family is putting it mildly. My dad always worked, so we had the material stuff that we needed, but the only real emotion that anyone showed in my house was anger. Tears were ignored. There were no hugs, no saying anything about love, no trust, no closeness. We didn;t discuss anything of any substance ever in my family. And there was no way in hell that I was going to listen to my dad tell me how I deserved all of this because I had snuck out of the house. No way in hell that I was going to give him the chance to rub this in my face forever, no way I was going to have him look at me like I was a whore, I would have rather died.

Chris started pacing the floor and asking me why? asking me if I knew how badly hurt that I was. He kept wanting to know who did this, over and over and over. The whole time Beth was sobbing and rubbing my face with the rag. Finally all I could do is scream that it was Brian, that his brother had done it. I had never seen a man cry before. And he just fell to his knees and started crying. I was so shocked that I couldn't think of anything to say. When my dad found out that his cousin had molested me when I was four, he didn't even shed a tear, it was never even talked about ever again. Then he started saying... oh my God, oh my God, i'm so so sorry, oh my God. He came over and gave me a hug and told me to please bealieve that if he'd had any idea that Brian could do anything like that, he'd have never let him near me. I will still in shock, I actually couldn't believe that he believed me. I'd expected him to get mad at me, to call me a liar, to kick me out even, but he didn't. He carried me to the bathroom and Beth helped me get into the tub, she had to wash me because I was covered in dirt and bloody mud. I had stuff all tangled in my hair, and I was in more pain than I though ewas possible.

To make a long long story shorter, and because I can't get into detail much more about this. Brian came back to the house when I was there, and Chris went out and started beating him all over the yard. He was beating his head into his car and yelling at him how he was a dead man. I can't deny that I was relieved, even happy that he was getting the fuck beat out of him, but Beth started crying, saying he was gonna kill him, and then he would go to prison for the rest of his life. I had to make him stop, as much as I wanted him to beat the life right out of Brian, I had to. They had a newborn baby together, and I couldn't let him do it. *Sighs* In the spirit of keeping this shorter, Chris made Brian leave the state, told him he would disappear off of the planet if he didn't, and I have never seen him since, not that I am sure of anyway. Despite my hopes of death, I bled for almost a week, but never got my wish. Now I have severe chronic PTSD. (post traumatic stress disorder) I have flashbacks every day/night as real as that night was. I feel everything, smell his cologne, feel the blood seeping out between my legs, etc., and it is like a living hell that I can't seem to escape from no matter how hard that I try. It sucks big time. Needless to say, after many years of self analysis, more flashbacks than I can count, weekly therapy for nearly three years, and many more traumatic events, I finally began to unravel how that even structured many of the fears that I hold, including many years of being terrorified of any women touching me that may in any way be sexually attracted to me. It seems like I will never get any better, so I just try to survive each day as I can and wait to see what will happen.

Just my memories.