Unknowing.....

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Why is it than when a woman has depression or another mental illness, like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that people always seem to think that we are living in the past, like we CHOSE to be miserable, like we WANT to be in agony? I mean, if a war veteran says that he/she suffers from PTSD, people don't tell them that they need to get past it, get over it, move on, forget about it. Like telling them to "get over" seeing their friends guts hanging from their abdomens, or their arms and legs blown off, or getting brain matter splatted all over them when the guy next to them gets his head blown off. I guess that they get it into their head that a mental illness from that is understandable. It's like, the attitude that a vet doesn't have a choice but to become mentally ill because of that sort of trauma, but if a woman or man has PTSD from child mental/physical abuse, molestation, rape, etc., people seem to have the attitude that we are different, that the trauma is something that isn't so severe that we couldn't overcome if we just WANTED to badly enough. Sometimes the way people think, and their thought processes towards domestic abuse, rape, child abuse, etc., survivors makes me so depressed I can't stand it, other times it makes me so mad i'd like to slap the shit out of them and explain the stupidity in their way of thinking. When will people stop making the victims into the criminals in some way or another?Sometimes I wish that people like that could "walk in my shoes" for a week or so, and other times I think about what it's really like, and I know that there are a very limited amount of people that I would even truly wish this upon for even a day, much less years, or decades. *sigh* It just seems so damn hopeless most of the time, like everything is against me, and the harder that I fight, the more that I get beaten down. If the whole world ceased to exist tonight, I would be relieved. Hell, if I ceased to exist tonight, it would be a relief.

Just a few thoughts.

Just_April1974

Unmoving.....

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I can't move, hardly breathe, don't have any real conscious thoughts, all I can do is try and go on. For days and nights, on and on, the flashbacks keep coming. I lay down, covered up tightly, and all I can do is cry until sleep comes, then I have nightmares, then I cry more, then more flashbacks come, all in a never ending cycle. I don't feel like eating, can't handle the thought of doing anything except being as still as I can be. I feel exhausted, beaten down to nothing. I don't know how I have made it this far, I guess that is why I go into what I refer to as the "zombie mode." I just don't know how much one person is expected to handle until it is enough. I suppose in the bigger picture of life, it really doesn't matter.

Just babbling.

Just_April1974

What Lurks In The Shadows......

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My greatest terrors are re-lived inside my dreams, they are the demons that lay in wait for me to return so that the attack can begin. They are brutal and ruthless. The slice and rip only enough to cause great agony, so as to prolong my suffering. They come from the pitch black to gash wounds upon my back, I turn to find nothing there. Stones fly at me as if from nowhere, to strike me in the face and head, knocking me to my knees. I cry for naught, the tears only fuel their delight. Faster then my eyes can see they strike out, severing tendons so that I cannot run, only crawl like a wounded, helpless animal. The feel of cold steele enters my stomach as if it were butter, sliding slowly into me, the pain like a burning lightening bold coursing through my body. On and on the assault continues until I feel my life slipping away. Finally sweet release is coming...... I feel the pain begin ebbing away as the death that I have so long awaited comes to collect me, to free me once and for all........ and then I sit bolt upright in my bed, tears streaming down my face, shivering, in a cold sweat, hair soaked through, clothes stuck to my body like a glove. I sit and sob, still alive, and I know I will have to go through it over and over again as surely as I am breathing.

Just_April1974

SOOOOO Sick Of It ALL..........

Just....... Nobody!

Why.....

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Suicide seems so preferable to all of this chaos. The pain is too much to cope with, and people just cannot understand that. My heart always feels like it has been filled with lead, so heavy it aches. I need to scream, to cry, to beat something until I am too exhausted to move, but i'm too exhausted to do it anyway. Besides, having no support, no one who cares, all of that would make no difference, doesn't alleviate any of the hurt. It all feels so damn hopeless. Fight and fight constantly for something better, for even a small break from it all, to no avail. I'm just so sick of it all, and there seems to be no way to change it, no way out of it. *sigh* So much hatred, and people wonder why some people decide to take their own lives, it is because of the cold, callousness of humanity these days, people just don't care anymore. Oh, they claim that they do, they even convince themselves that they do, but actions speak volumes. So tell me, what is the point?

Just...... Me

Enough....

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I'm tired. There is no hope for a better, more loving world. Humanity will never lay down their hatred in the attempts to try something new. They cannot see that if a stratigy isn't working, instead of bulling forward like hard headed children that are determinded to get what they want, that maybe, just maybe, they could try something different, no matter how scepticle that they may be, how can one know if a new way can work, unless one tries it first. Those who "live by the sword, shall surely die by the sword." We are all seemingly inteligent human beings, yet we have the lack of patience, and such over inflated agos, that compromise becomes impossible. Humanity has becomes the destroyers of all that once was good, such as dreams, hope, belief, honesty, honor, sinple right and wrong, etc. We as a species have completely no hope of a meaningful survival. It's hopeless. We waste time playing, instead of having the courage to just complete the enivitable... humanity should cease to exist. We should all jst commit mass suicide, be kind enough to leave thos world livible for the next species that comes along needing a beautiful, miraculous planet to cherish as their home. Their is no more hope, no real dreams, everything of true meaning has been tainted, and can never be what it once was ever again. Fuck it all!




Until whenever...








Just_April1974

Twisted Dimentions....

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My mind takes me back and forth, time becomes almost suspended, never knowing how long that I went back, never knowing when it will come next.

The seconds pass like hours, time that they inflict shame, humiliation, and pain. The searing of fire ripping through delicate skin, tearing soft treasures, erasing childish dreams. Each slam taking away what could have been, and replacing it with something broken. Gleaming white digging deeply, shivers as the warm redness glides down cold flesh. Ropes dig into tiny wrist, burning until there is no feeling left. Demented laughter from evil so stark it seems to melt into her very bones. Fingers dig into secret places... roaming, turning, pulling, shoving. Screams caught in her throat, never escape into the cold sweet air, instead they stay inside for her to hear. Piercing pain like no other ripple through her deep inside. Innocence lost forever to all that is cruel and brutal. Dreams taken and thrown to the ravenous animals to shred at their will. Pain covers her like the tide against the boulders in a cove, constant, relentless.

Sometimes I go back to the past, and return to the present so much that I get lost for a time, and i'm not sure what is real, and what isn't. It quickly became by biggest fear... that I would go back there, to that time, to them hurting me, and I would lose what is left of my mind, and be trapped there, like that, for the rest of my life, completely insane, and locked in that world, forced to relive it over and over, non-stop. It becomes unbearable at times. What is hardest is feeling isolated, completely alone, not having anyone to talk to, to hold me and just allow me to cry myself to sleep. Instead, I have to keep it locked inside, hidden from the very few that I have contact with. Then the depression... it comes in waves, sometimes the sea is storming, and sometimes it is relatively calm. Life is a trip... just seems that some of us are walking, and others get to take a limo with chilled champagne.








Until next time.








Just_April1974

Delusion Vs. Reality.... Which Have You Chosen?

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How does one handle reality? Well, my answer is, very carefully. For one to live in reality means that you face a certain danger of severe bouts of depression and possibly even suicidal idealizations. You see, for one to live in reality means that one sees the desperation of humanity, the true depths of evil that humanity are capable of reaching, the heartlessness, torture, murder, starvation, illnesses, and complete sociopathic mentalities that so many people live with as if it were a "normal" part of life. The question to those of us in reality very quickly becomes, "when will humanity as a whole, pull their heads out of their collective asses and SEE what we are doing to one another and this world, for both ourselves and for many of the generations to come?" Now, we are left with delusion. Ohhh, sweet delusion. The delusional are those who wake-up every day and think that this world, and many of the people in it, is doing JUST grand. The delusional have drown themselves in a world where these terrible things can never affect them, where it is ALWAYS someone else that it happens to, and that THEIR world can never be touched by the television-like stories that they hear about from various sources. These people become almost drone-like in the belief that THEIR GOVERNMENTS NEVER do ANY wrong, that THEIR "people" ALWAYS do what is best for all of the world, that THEY are righteous enough to be the ones to make these decisions for everyone, that life cannot possibly get much better, etc. and so forth. Damn it must be nice to live "high" on those demented idealizations as if on some sort of natural "high" that one never comes "down" from. That is until reality becomes a brutal bitch who comes and forcefully pulls their heads out of the clouds, stuffs it in a pile of shit, makes them sit and smell it for awhile, and then informs them that the stench that they are smelling is the reality in which we live, and they THEY help create it by taking that "delusion drug" and turning their head while the entire world turned to shit all around them. THAT bill be one shock that I am glad I will not have to suffer, life comes with too many terrible surprises as it is. But hey, what is the old saying? "What goes around, comes around!"

Just a thought.

Until next time.

Just_April1974