Unholy Hell..... Life Is TOO Damn Hard.....

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Thankfully there are drugs. Yanno, there was once a time, not long ago, up until January 2001, I swore that I would never take drugs for my mental disorders, (PTSD & Depression) because of my family history of addiction.... then I was attacked at work on December 4th 2001, and it came to a point, that if I didn't try the drugs, it was unlikely that I was going to survive the PTSD. The flashbacks and anxiety attacks became so bad that I was having flashbacks more often that I was in, "reality," and I was having 10 or more anxiety attacks a day/night. After having resisted "self-harm/cutting/etc" for a long period of time, I started cutting several times a day just to help myself to know that I was really still alive, and hadn't died and gone to hell, or some such shit. When it gets that bad, sometimes it's hard to know what is real, when the flashbacks have ended, and when you are actually back in the present time, it really sucks more than simple words can describe. Then the anxiety attacks start, because you just KNOW that another flashback will come at any time, and you just feel like you are dying far slower than if you just killed yourself and got it over with. The pain is so much that it completely paralyzes your entire life, you cannot function, your life is reduced to just trying to survive from minute to minute, and when you have to live like that, death become more and more of a welcome option.... even hell seems to pale in comparison.

I've been going through, what I have termed, a "wave." Much like the ocean, sometimes the seas are only a bit choppy, but on other times, a storm kicks up and if you aren't careful, you can drown in the waves. The depression has been overwhelming, which seems to have triggered more anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and when I manage to sleep, the nightmares are horrific. Needless to say.... I hate life. But hey... sometimes, that's just how it is.

So...just in case anyone was wondering why I haven't been around too often...this is why.

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--Just_April1974

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Deeply Depressed.....

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There just aren't words to describe how much it hurts. It's just too hard. Life sucks far more than the effort that it takes to survive it.

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--April

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I Am Depressed....

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I'm so damned depressed. If it can go wrong, it will go wrong, usually all at once, so as to drive you to utter insanity. I'm so sick of it. My heart feels like it weighs a ton in my chest; it's so heavy it is hard to breath and I don't feel like I can breathe enough to even try and rest. I cry constantly. I look like a fool when I am outside watering my yard with tears just pooring down my face. I HATE life, it's too hard, and the rewards are too and far between, and just a tease to keep us to going through hell. I'm so tired, life is too hard. I just don't know what else to say.... the pain is far too much...more than anyone should have to bear.

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--April

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Life Just...SUCKS....

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I'm tired... I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of feeling like shit. So much for being sick.....oh well.

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--April

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Another Day...

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Haven't been sleeping worth a damn; not like that's anything new though. I miss ya.... you helped me through more nights than you'll ever know, just by making me laugh, and being able to see you give some of those cold bastards hell in Pal. I miss being able to tease around with ya, and sharing our "off-the-wall" sense of humor. All I can do is cry. You have no idea what the loss of you has done to so many. You were so much more important in life than you ever gave yourself credit for sweety. The fight to make this world a better place is so much harder without you here with us to educate others; and it's just so sad without ya. It hurts Mark. You left scars on my heart that will never heal. I know.... i'm selfish for wanting to have kept you here when you were in so much pain, but you were so special, I just can't help it. Know that you were loved, appreciated, needed, respected, and cared for by so many people... we all hope that you have in the afterlife, all that seemed to be so elusive to you in this life.

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{{~Mark~}}

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--April

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I Just Don't Wanna Believe You're Gone...

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{{~{{~{{~Mark~}}~}}~}}

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--April
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Sadness......

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A lonely teardrop equals a million sorrows,

It hurts to remember it, as if it were just yesterday,

My life changed drastically and fell apart,

Now I'm left to face a painful tomorrow.

I only see what the outcome is in these dreams,

A world of pain building to a climax,

And the reflection of my soul screams,

As it lies there naked and broken.

I bow down my head in grief,

What has befouled my very existance,

Has sent my soul into the darkness,

Hope now lies beyond my reach.

Continuous changes take over me,

I'm beginning to fade,

Ending only in the murky blackness,

The place where I began.

Fading...fading into the eternal depths,

Never to rise again, but only leaving a partial goodbye,

Reflections arise of my soul everynight,

But vannish as quickly as the nightmares subside.

My many tear drops fall to the ground,

Leaving only the slightest sound,

Each equals a million sorrows,

Maybe the pain will end by tomorrow.

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(Poem from unknown AUTHOR)

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--April

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Crying.......

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{{~{{~{{~Hugs~}}~}}~}}

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--April

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There Aren't Words......

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I envy you in so many ways. You did what i've wanted....no, needed to do for so long...while i'm stuck in this hell hole for at least a short time longer, your pain is gone. So many have only had more pain added....hearts shredded, by having lost you. So much loneliness....the pain never eases, it just seems to grow deeper as the years pass. I've cried an ocean of tears...and it hasn't eased the torture one tiny bit. I'm so exhausted. It feels like my bones even hurt. I'm sick of it. It is all just a losing battle.... the earth becoming more cruel and brutal with each breath, nothing ever gets any better. But then...you'd already figured that out and managed to escape before any of us could talk you into staying. *sighs* At least one of us can finally have some peace. Know that we are thinking of you always darlin.

--April

Thinkin Of Ya Mark....

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{{{{~Mark~}}}}

I miss ya, hun. it's just so hard to imagine that you are really gone. I truely know how you felt though, you were never alone.

--April

Mark, this one is for you sweety........

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{{~~Mark~~}}

Miss ya so much, my friend! If you only knew how much my heart is breaking.... let's just leave it at that. I'm thinkin of ya.

--April

Grieving

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Damn, it was one shitty night. I hope that you know what we are feeling right now, the loss is so much to bear. My head hurts like someone is stabbing my skull and I can't stop crying..... FUCK!! If I could see you face to face right now, i'd slap you right upside your head for even thinking that losing you wouldn't hurt so many people!! It could have gotten better, DAMN IT!! Now, you went off and did the permanent, and there is no way to see if things could be different. I miss you already. You always made me smile... and our sick sense of humor was so alike, I knew if i said something way off the wall, you'd be getting a laugh out of it....now I don't have you anymore to share that with. It was a waste. There are far too few people left in this world who REALLY care, and you did...the world is worse off for having lost you. We are crying, the ones who knew how special that you were. We loved you so much hun, and it just feels more empty inside me without ya. I just wish there could have been something, anything that I could have done to ease your suffering. Now, all I can do is miss you, and hope like hell that you aren't in pain anymore. I'm thinking of you darlin....know that you are missed.




-- April

{{~Hugs~}}

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Today I found out that you were gone, that the pain had become too much, and so you ended it. I told you that we each affect others in ways that we rarely ever even realize, now I live with another scar on my heart, for I have senselessly lost another dear friend to that bastard called death. I hope that he has brought you the peace that you so yearned for sweety. I will miss you more than any mere words can describe.... hopefully, you can see into my heart now, and know what it is that I feel. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I know all too well how you felt, how much the pain cripples us, how hopeless it all feels. I just wish that you could have let me share the burden, and stayed with us a little longer. I love ya hun.....know that always.

--April