I Hate Going Out.....

Every time I have to go out, when it has been a bad night, and I haven't slept in a couple of days, I always start getting terrified that I am going to have a flashback, and that people will see me. I wonder what would happen. Knowing that I would be rolled into the fetal position on the floor, crying, making strange sounds from the pain that I am in, it scares the shit out of me to think that someone would call an ambulance or something. I have never been to a psych ward, and I never plan to go to one. Being locked up just isn't my idea of fun. Even when people have called the police when I have SI'd (self injured) and the ambulance came, or just the police, I have never been forced to stay. Once I had to sign into a group home for psychiatric patients, so they could watch me for the night. When I was there, I never slept, and I did it voluntarily so that I could sign myself out in a few hours, which is exactly what I did. Doctors can't fix us, all they can do is "put a band aid on the booboo." They try to pull us through so we dont fuck ourselves up really bad, or permanently. They can't stop us when we decide we have had enough of the bull shit, by then it is far too late. It is all just a roller coaster ride that goes around and around, up and down, one day at a time, like a nightmare that never stops. Damn i'm glad to be back home. Always have anxiety attacks after I get back, once I know that I am "safe." I guess it is because I can allow it all to come out then and not have to worry someone is going to presume the extreme and get my freedom taken away from me. *Sigh* Just another day.
Until next time.

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-Just_April1974